Game : Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas

Hi there, did anyone miss me?

I'm back today with a game review. I have been playing GTA:SA for quite awhile now. In fact, I started the doggone thing before I bought Oblivion, then ended up coming back to try to finish it afterI finished Oblivion, and still, I never saw the credits roll.

So, I figure it's about time to give it up and write a damn review.

All the GTA games have been terrific, and this one is no exception. It is the biggest, badest, and best GTA yet. The game spans three cities, clones of Los Angeles, San Fransisco and Las Vegas, and there is plenty of countryside in-between. Incredible. The simplicity that made the game fun to begin with is still there in complete and unabashed abundance: that is, driving around recklessly while listening to bangin' music. That really is the game, as far as I am concerned. Yes, SA includes (actually good) voice acting by our own Sam "SnakesOnAMuthaFuckinPlane" Jackson (did anyone get my call??) and the always magical James Woods. Yes, the series was an innovation of non-linear, sandbox world gameplay that spawned uncounted, unmentionable knock-offs. Yes, you run over hookers and shoot cops; or if you prefer, run over cops and shoot hookers. (The choice is yours!) But to me, the thrill of the game and the thing that kept me coming back for more, even after the game blue-screens on me twice, is that particular feeling you get when you are tearing down busy city streets, weaving between traffic and into wrong lanes and through stop lights and off cliff sides, and all to a great soundtrack, that makes it the polished genius that it is. The rest is just a colorful backdrop.

Now since I'm an opinionated li'l bastard, let me share my .02 about the whole damn mod scandal thing and the gratuitous violence that is destroying the children of America.

I don't deny that the game is violent. It is. You can and will kill all manners of people: hookers, hippies, cops, and gang bangers by the dozen. You will run red lights. You will make illegal left turns from the right lane. You will drive on the sidewalk. You will get into fender-benders and not stop to leave a note. For all these things, Rockstar should not apologize nor have its game or any game like it censored in any way. Because, besides being unconstitutional, if private interest groups had the ability to influence local or Federal governments to decide what could be published or not, this would not be a truly free society. The ability to write a racy novel, distribute a politically hostile movie, or produce a violent video game is part of what makes America great.

So, to all the lazy mothers out there who want the government to raise their child for them, here's my prescription: Take a tablespoon of tolerance in the morning and call me when your brain grows back...

...Or have you forgotten how much I have played this game? Because I will beat you to death with a dildo and then drive repeatedly over your bloody remains.

Sorry, couldn't resist. ;)